birthdays are the same as light meters, in a way

birthdays used to seem so enchanted.
i dont remember what age exactly, maybe 14
when i snuck a peek into the giftbags on the mantle
laid on the couch in agony of stomach pains
had cake brought to the end table
i was so ungrateful that day.

and realized that it wasnt special
it was a measurement like any other.
like a clock, or ruler, or scale
measuring time passed, time left
and every year ive accomplished slightly less

it was my sisters birthday today
she wore a yellow dress and had a table of friends
so many there werent enough forks or chairs
and after there was tons of mess
and wondered if on my birthday i would ever have that.

i already know the answer.
ill be at a table for two
hell bring me flowers maybe
tell me i look pretty
and act like we dont know that even if i invited others
it would still just be us.